Before I begin, I need to get something out of the way. Hallowe'en is my favourite holiday of the year. No stressing out over getting gifts for people, no forced family gatherings, no celebration of materialism, no animal sacrifice, just good old fashion pagan fun. It is a chance to show of creativity, ingenuity, and finding the best deals at Value Village.
I decided that I would celebrate Pope Benedict's least favourite day of the year by dressing as the Tooth Fairy. And here is my description of what I was wearing in a thousand words or less:
Yes, that's me in a tutu. Those of you who know me from my most recent Kodi-summer should not be surprised by this get up, but I think that I turned a few heads here at Nipissing. I had a ton of people gawk at me, a ton of people tell me how much they loved my costume, a ton of people grab at my tutu or my ass (something I'll talk about in a later post...), a ton of pictures taken by people I have never met, and I even had one guy in the bathroom look at me and say "Dude, you've got balls" to which I replied "Yeah, you can see them right now".
Needless to say, the tutu is not designed for people of my particular height or gender. I constantly had to pull the thing up to stop showing off my nipples, and pull it down to stop any irritation to my man parts.
But, I was not the only one being daring in my choice of costume. There were some simply amazing ones out last night. A group of people in my section were MXC competitors. We had a Will Ferrell two for, as I was staring at Ron Burgundy and Robert Goulet at the same time. Speaking of Ferrell, there were a number of people out as contestants on Celebrity Jeopardy, complete with hanging cardboard signs fully decorated with their names on them (my personal favourite was "Turd Ferguson" -- I hope you all get that). There was a group of about six or so people walking around with a full cardboard school bus, a hilarious group of guys wearing swim caps, carrying towels and shirts that said "Ovarian Swim Team" with pictures of sperm on them, and my personal favourite, a guy as Optimus F'n Prime. He had a full blown robot costume made out of cardboard. I wish that I had pictures, because it was that awesome.
Oh, yeah there were also a ton of girls in short skirts and high socks or fishnets...did I mention that I love Hallowe'en?
As per a usual bar night, my evening was spent on the dance floor, with the occasional breath for fresh air and socializing. Now while I was up to all of this, I was separated from my group, and well the jerks left without me. They thought that I was off getting picked up. Now, normally this would not be a problem, except that I live quite far from the bar so we were planning on splitting a cab back. And even worse, since a tutu doesn't have pockets, a friend of mine was holding my bank card and money.
There I was, stuck at the bar, no money, no bank card, no ride and in a fucking tutu. Luckily, I bumped into my friend Shane (dressed in hilarious caveman attire) who happened to have a spare pair of pants among the pelts that he was wearing. So that had one part of my problem covered. Also, lucky for me there is something at Nipissing called the "Drunk Bus", which is a hilarious concept really. An old guy drives a school bus from campus (which is totally isolated from the rest of the town at the top of a hill) down to the student ghetto. Before we go any further allow me to establish a few facts:
Fact the First: Last night was disgustingly busy at the bar
Fact the Second: School buses have a limited capacity
Fact the Third: Drunk people are jerks
As a result of this, the trip on the Drunk Bus was an interesting one to say the least. First off, as a result of Facts the First and Second I missed the bus twice (shades of Kriss Kross). Then, when the amount of people waiting for said bus started to grow I decided to sneak my way to the front of the throng of people, this is were Fact the Third comes into play. Once the bus arrived, all of the drunks converged around the door to and began to push and shove. I felt myself getting crushed by the weight of everyone as they all pushed forward. At this point I understood why people commit random acts of violence. With the combination of my chest being crushed and the terrible B.O. of everyone I elected to stop breathing. After I was nice and gentlemanly and let a few people in front of me, I decided to take the George Bush approach to things. Stop being diplomatic, and start acting. I ducked under a couple of people's arms and pushed a few more out of the way and boarded the great yellow chariot.
While riding this bus I was serenaded by a group of girls singing "It's Always Better with a Ho" (to the tune, of "A Great Big Moose", one of my campfire specialties) which included such classy lines as "There was a girl in pink, who liked to take it in the stink". After what seemed like an unending amount of verses to this song we arrived at the end of the line, The Lucky 13 Convenience Store.
I realize now that there is one fact that I have yet to mention. I live in North Bay. As a result, it was snowing.
So I need to walk to my friend Melissa's place where my car is parked so I can get home. Before any of you start to gasp or worry, I had two beer all night, which had been hours before at this point. I had also had several glasses of water at the bar, and I learned that the combination of the crisp pre-winter air, the stress of not knowing where your friends are, and getting pushed around by a drunken mob does wonders to sober a person up.
Since it is snowing and so desperately cold (I think that my legs would have fallen off if not for Shane lending me his pants) I try and figure out a short cut to Melissa's. This of course backfires and I have to wander around lost for a bit trying to find my car. I felt like I was in a bad Ashton Kutcher movie. Eventually I find it, wipe off my car and drive back through the wonderous snow.
After dropping a few people off I return home at 3am (thank the Lord for the time change, or else it would have been really late!!!). I am so tired, and hungry, and freezing that I drop my keys a good three times trying to unlock my door. I get in, change into my pajamas, and eat some left over pizza and crash for a good eight hours of well earned rest. (I didn't even mention all of the poker and Ultimate Frisbee I had been playing all day leading up to this!!!)
When I wake up in the morning I soon discovered that in my hurry for rest and warmth I had left my keys in the door all night. Good thing I had taken my tutu off or else I could have been taken advantage of!!!
So that was my hilarious Hallowe'en Epic. Anyone out there have one that compares?
Until next time,
G
